thirty-five: wrap-up

It is funny how quickly a month can pass by; it only feels like yesterday that we landed in India, let alone Kolkata. Admittedly, in some ways I am eager to return to home and then to college. Both will offer a sense of permanency - something I miss after being in the limbo of travel for two months this summer. (Not that I didn't enjoy it!) Going back to the U.S. also heralds the return to reality and responsibility, of choreographing deadlines for IASA and worries about financial aid. Textbooks and packing and cleaning.

I am looking forward to getting back to exercise and meditation. Without going to the club, it's difficult to walk through the streets of Calcutta uninterrupted, and I much rather walk outside than on a treadmill. Sometimes I felt like I was stagnating in the flat. The smallness of our flat made it difficult to find some "alone" space for meditation. I'm not good enough at stilling my Mind where I can meditate anywhere, with distractions around. Additionally, to see my dad again would be great! He couldn't come with us to India and was missed very much. :( He has taken the week off this week so we'll definitely get to spend time with him!

My attempts to practice Hindi this summer have been an absolute failure - I understand most of it, but speaking still feels beyond me. I'll continue to brush up my grammar and writing before classes begin. I did speak more Bangla, though, promise! Sigh. I will have to try harder and force myself to speak more of everything. Though I really want to do many Chinmaya Mission courses next summer which would be really good for me spiritually and volunteer some of the mission's rural development programs, I also want to study Hindi in a structured immersion atmosphere. It's a bit of a predicament, so let's see how things turn out. Regardless, I will apply for that language scholarship for that particular program... Additionally, to do some side traveling with my uncles next summer would be pretty rad - like, to Sikkim and stuff.

Again, there is so much to say about India and my family. I'll continue to write about it here - sort of a post wrap-up. Or maybe I'll write it in my journal, let's see. But anyway, I know I'm going to miss my family here the most... I am keeping my fingers crossed and hope they will eventually come visit us, some day.

argh, still there is much to say but it's quite late.. goodnight.

twenty-six -- grandma

Today marks four years since the death of my grandmother, my dad's mother who lived with us since my childhood. She was a fiercely independent, headstrong lady -- not without her flaws, of course -- whose heart was full of love and cookie jar full of treats for her granddaughters, even after she stopped working. Moreover, Grandma was generous in her prayer and work; bhajans always playing in her bedroom and the sometimes thick smell of incense. Bill Clinton was her favorite politician and her carrot cake was the best. (Okay, and rasgullas too. And sugar cookies. And muffins. And...) When I was very young, she used to transcribe the stories I dictated to her and even wrote my favorite letter of the time - "W" - over and over again when I asked. There were a few years where she returned to India. My sister and I still have her letters - careful script on blue airmail paper addressed to us, still little kids wouldn't quite read.

There were times, especially when I hit my teenage years, where I was rightly frustrated with her when I learned more about her, more about the grandfather I'd never met. In many cases, though, that teenage anger was misplaced and I often regret some of things I said. But like my mom, Grandma would forgive, put away her own hurt, and love us the same. My sister and I would wait eagerly for the nights Mom and Dad went out; that meant we'd get a rare pizza party in the house, with my Grandma around.

Near the end, when we knew she was probably not coming home, she'd always call me her little doctor. I could tell which days she wasn't feeling so good by holding her hand. "Squeeze my hand as tightly as you can, okay?" Sometimes the grasp was strong, other times her hand would fall limp. Before all of that, when she still was in the house, I'd scold her for the chocolate ice cream bar she'd sneak out of the freezer.... especially since she had diabetes. Yeah, one of her biggest hopes for dad was that he should be a doctor -- and he could have, easily, he almost did. Still, I sometimes felt for a while that I had to be doctor, just for grandma. (Sorry, Grandma, I gave that idea up sometime in 11th grade.)

At her funeral, I admit to feeling numb and unaffected, the thought of her death not fully realized. Tears couldn't be summoned, but I was crying on the inside. The service was beautiful and the support from the community, great. It hurt to watch my dad press the button to ignite the cremation. It was a plain warehouse; people didn't usually hold cremation ceremonies there. It didn't feel right.

Grandma had been in and out of the hospital and into the hospice for so long that year that it didn't feel like she wasn't there with us. With regard to her passing, I didn't feel anything for a while. Life moved. But there were times I would acutely feel her absence or acutely feel her presence. Maybe exactly two or three months later, I broke down after marching band rehearsal and started bawling. Couldn't stop. One of my best marching competitions that season, I could feel her watching.

And life moved. It really did. For a while, I felt like our family was fractured, irrevocably changed in subtle ways - I mean, she did live with us since... forever. Laughter didn't come so easily and we were all fighting about little things. Sometimes it feels like Grandma left us just recently, other times I feel as though it may have been ten years ago. Four years have passed since then, I think my parents have finally come to terms.

After all, if you think about it in terms of Hinduism, we're all Happiness, all part of One. She is the same Happiness and I am. So, while I do sometimes miss you a lot, Grandma, I think I've broken that attachment to that body that was you. I still have the memories, and a love for you, my family, and life in general which is a lot more eternal.

nineteen -- "so long, fare well, auf wiedershen, good bye!" (or selamat tinggal!)

Our program is finished.

Wow, that short statement has so much finality to it. A month has passed and at 9:30 PM, I leave to the airport. At 1:20 AM, I get on the plane to Seoul. I'm still amazed how time as passed. On one note, it seems like years since I've been in the States. On the other, I feel like this trip has only just begun and I have so much more to learn about the culture of this country and the culture of the islands we've visited, Java and Bali.

Our last few days have been mostly relaxation. Yesterday, we visited Kuta, the gargantuan resort town built around very few cultural attractions. At first, I kind of groaned at all orange, loud-mouthed, big-spending tourists: this was not the kind of last day I wanted, surrounded by people whose only glimpse of Indonesia was the beach and the sales racks of the hundreds of Dolce&Gabbana's and Versace's. Jake, as we all had our last meal together at Sari Organik, pointed this out earlier today, though -- we all did enjoy our day in Kuta, but even more so because we had a month's worth of background experience and memories of Bali and Java. (Really, there was nothing better than giving my feet the tender love and care they needed with a pedicure, after running around barefoot this whole month... And a massage. For $14 USD, together? Ballin'!)

I said this in my last post on the GIEU blog... there's still so much I want to do and so much this trip makes me want to do. Already, I feel that I'll return to Indonesia someday in the future, whether it is for dance, interning with an NGO, learning the language, or checking out the many other Indonesian islands. Again, I'm already planning my next summer -- not with visions of Capitol Hill as I once planned, but visions of another lush culture and country, whether Indonesia, India, or elsewhere.

There isn't a doubt that I'm excited to see my family and friends... to eat home-cooked Indian food and go on walks in the neighborhood (after this trip, I might go barefoot now!). To have orange juice with pulp and to eat cereal for breakfast. It'll be glorious. But I am so sad to leave Bali and to leave our awesome GIEU group. Yeah, there's been the average share of backbiting, but I really think we worked well as a team and as a mini-family, even!

I know I've said this a thousand times: I wish I could see more. Alas, I'm off to home and then to another wonderful country, India, to visit friends and family. Just do it the Balinese way, by living in the moment and always look ahead!

It's time for me to do some last minute shopping and packing, before we bid Avery and Meghan a farewell. :)

With Love from Indonesia for the last time,
Nina

thirteen -- struggling

After returning to my homestay after we met with the Regent of Bantul, I finally made progress with winning my Indonesian man for the trip: Abil, the baby in our homestay. It was awesome. I crashed in bed around six, sleeping through dinner with the family and waking up thoroughly miserable. The desk fan keeps me cool, but doesn't pump enough air to my whole body. Consequence? Waking up sweaty and bugbitten. All I wanted to do was take a shower at that point, but the Ibu roped me into dinner. Though I did have the most delicious papaya I have ever eaten, I could muster enough energy to eat much food.

It's at the point of the trip where I feel like crap and am struggling. I just want to be home in my own bedroom (still messy from moving all my stuff back), relaxing by myself, walking and exercising every day before doing anything else. It's little stupid things I miss, like having cereal for breakfast and real orange juice with pulp. As much as Indonesian dishes have some similarity to Indian food, I miss Ma's luchi and cholar daal, or just daal in general. (I miss her amazing pastas and sandwiches too.)

I think I really need to find a landline from which I can use my calling card so I can at least briefly call home. Strangely enough, though I didn't go home often this last semester, I was in touch with someone at least every other day about something. Maybe white water rafting tomorrow will be enough to keep my mind off of these things. I'm in Indonesia, after all, and should be living in the moment here, and not lett my sudden tiredness bother me.

Anyway, I'll go back to watching Jhalak Dikhalaja -- Prabhu Deva is a judge on Saturday's episode and he is one genius dancer.

A little sadly, Nina.

four -- bye?!

We're leaving for the airport in fifteen minutes. Gah. I just want to sleep... which I will, on the lovely car ride. The Sibling is up. This is of note. I never knew she should could up this early. (Or did she stay up this late? I am not sure.)

Anyway, the next time I post... I'll be in BALI!

two -- shop until you drop, or an ode to tevas

This time, next week, I'll still be on a plane and reaching Indonesia at 12:10 AM on May 12th. It still hasn't fully sunk in. Way too much to do before I go and I don't really want to do it... Seriously, I just want to laze around, exercise, and read... Not pack my life in a suitcase, blergh.

On the bright side, I've been shopping like crazy (with gift cards, of course!). I needed some more light, cotton pants to wear while there, because jeans will get too sticky and are slow to dry, too, if I need to handwash anything. So, the result is a gazillion new clothes. Not going to lie, it felt good to do some clothes shopping after only spending on food, dance gear, and program expenses during the school year.

I also purchased a new pair of shoes and they are glorious. For some odd reason my pair of Teva's weren't featured on the website... They are a pretty chocolate brown with some light blue trim. Teva is a company known for their awesome water-terrain-walking shoes. When I was in my phase where I was doing a lot of research on backpacking, Travel Independent (which is a very comprehensive and totally awesome website on backpacking) mentioned Teva as a good, fairly reasonably priced brand. To quote...

These [Teva] and their type, often referred to as sports sandals and known as a sometimes unpopular icon of the modern backpacker, have solid molded soles and are made from strong modern fabric. They are comfortable to walk in, quick drying, sturdy and often lightweight - the perfect 'shoe' for warm weather. It is possible to complete long trips with only sandals and still do a fair bit of walking. If it's hot at your destination, you're not squeamish about having exposed feet at all times (say after rain in a dirty city) and you don't plan a full-scale trek, go with just sandals.

Yeah, yeah --they are those sterotypically nerdy looking velcro sandals. You know what I'm talking about. (If you don't click the link in the quote.) Anyway, a bunch of us in our group going to Indonesia have purchased some sort of sports sandal ... you know, breathable, durable for water and terrain, and comfortable. The downside is that they do look a little touristy-backpackery but, hey, I went for a walk in them today and they are awesome (especially with their "modern environmentally friendly zinc technology to prevent foot odor!") Anyway, this fact shouldn't matter too much; the shoes match many of the clothes I'm taking with me. And besides, I'm going to stick out anyway.

Wow, I can't believe I've rambled this long about hiking sandals. Funny.

Look! A random Bali picture break up the text of my post!

In other shopping news, I have a sufficient number of books to take along with me to Indonesia for all the plane rides and whatever relaxation time we'll have... Granted, I have a lot of books from the school year that I need to finish, they were so tempting since Borders is near the sports store and Barnes & Noble near the mall. (See, I went with mother to pick up father's car from Meijer... so I could have the car all day!)

• The Brain That Changes Itself, Norman Doidge -- Ryan gave it to me around Christmas, but I had misplaced it after Inauguration. And it's super-interesting too. On neuroplasticity.
  
• American Lion, Jon Meacham -- Need to finish, ahhhh. Oh, Andy J...
  
• Persepolis, Marjane Satrapi -- It's a comic, actually. About the Iranian Revolution. I've been eying it for a while and gave in today.
  
• The Great Derangement, Matt Taibbi -- This was another book I have been eying for the last year, waiting for it to hit the paperback. It caught my attention when Matt Taibbi went on The Daily Show last year to promote the book. It's about the fringe groups on the extremes of the left and the right.
  
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert -- I've read it several times. Might have to take it because it takes place in Indonesia!
• Shantaram -- If Smita let's me take this... It's a gorgeous book. If you haven't read it, please do. Or at least watch the Johnny Depp movie of it when it comes out. It's amazingly written, but a pretty fantastic story when you think it was based off of a true story.
• A Year of Living Biblically -- This will be funny-slash-interesting.
• Sex Lives of Cannibals -- It's a travel memoir about the Pacific Islands. 'Nuff said.
  

And I have so many other miscellaneous, unread books lying around. The nice thing is that the India trip come later in the summer... Need some books for then, too! :) I remember the last time we went to India; my sister and I brought books, bought more in Heathrow airport, and purchased even more once in India. Maybe this summer I can get through Nehru's autobiography...

Final shopping note: swimsuit. Some of you reading this may not understand, but I've had the battle these last three years to find a new swimsuit, argh. The fact that I found not just one, but multiple is epic and certainly worthy of note.

Now that I have blathered on about shoes, books, and shopping, I think I'll wrap it up and do some reading. (I would say sleep, but I took a great nap earlier after my walk.)